There are basically two ways to fish: Catching one fish at a time with a line and hook or using a dragnet.
Fishing for one fish at time is a long process. You use different lures and bait. You go to different spots along the river or in the lake at different times of the day. In all of this, when you are lucky you land a fish on your line, reel it in and inspect it. If it is a “keeper” then you have your fish. But if it is too small or the wrong kind of fish then you release it back into the river to be caught by someone else.
When we fish with a net we also may go to different spots at different times but when we pull in the net we pull in many fish not just one. We inspect them all looking for that one perfect fish that we desire. If it turns out that in this group of fish there is not a single one that is the “keeper” we are looking for then we throw the dragnet out again for another pass.
What I’m illustrating is the wisdom of understanding that when we search for a partner from abroad it is wiser to use a dragnet then to fish for one at a time.
Let’s assume that you want to settle down. For the most part we might prefer to “fish” for one at a time. In fact, many could agree that were the correspondent that we have met over the Internet a resident of our city, then we would date this person exclusively. We would concentrate only on them during this process. We date only them, take them out, spend time with them, meet their family and friends. More importantly we are able to really learn who they are as a person because we see them in different situations, coping with stress, in tragedy and triumph, reaching their goals. We see how they treat their family, their co-workers, friends, strangers and dogs. This again, is like fishing with rod and reel. After whatever measure of time we are satisfied one way or another. Either she is the “keeper” or she is not.
Let’s examine the pitfalls in applying this “fishing technique” to Internet relations.
For one thing, Scam Alert is a testimonial to the fact that many persons are not what they seem. The fact is no matter how well a person portrays herself or how developed your correspondence, it is impossible to really know a person without spending time with that person in the flesh.
However, let us assume for the sake of discussion that you are not dealing with a scammer. You have found and are getting to know a sincere and genuine lady, interested in getting to know you for the purpose of something more serious than friendship, probably marriage.
This brings us to a second more practical problem. Most full-time working people only get a few weeks of vacation a year. Suppose that you and your correspondent decide to concentrate on each other (the fishing for one fish at a time method). You write every week, every day in fact. You speak on the phone, exchange letters and so forth for several months leading up to your meeting. Although, you only have two weeks for vacation you choose to spend it all with your correspondent. For this trip you might spend a thousand dollars or more on visas, travel, accommodations, dining, gifts and so on. Finally, you arrive and in those first few moments everything is wonderful.
But then after the two weeks or even two days for that matter, you realize that no matter how well you communicated, you do not have any real sparks, or you see some quality or character in her which you do not like or vice versa. Whatever the reason, the both of you or just one of you realizes that you are not going to be anything more than friends and that is for the best.
Well now, you have come all this way on a trip that you can make maybe twice at most a year. You spent all this money, invested all this time just getting to know her. But like most new romances, it didn't work out.
So you return home and have to start the whole process all over again!!! And the same is true for her too! You have focused on her only. You thought she was so great, so beautiful, so intelligent, so wonderful. But you didn't know that she likes to kick puppies and push old people down until you saw these things in person. She too in not finding her true prince in you has to start the process all over again–and for her it will be a much more expensive process. If she pulled her personal from the agency too early then she must post it again or find a new agency. You begin again to search for someone that seems compatible and who isn’t a scammer.
Is this really wise?
Because the odds are that it is unlikely that you have managed to meet your soul-mate this way, fishing one fish at a time is simply not the best way to approach things. The reality is that it may take you several, perhaps many times to find your real partner, and this translates into many years and a lot of money expended in fishing this way. (Of course if you are looking for some other type of relationship or believe in love at first sight or simply want to risk the long term success of your relationship by not really getting to know the person, then “fishing” like this could work for you.)
However, common wisdom says never "put all your eggs in one basket."
So then, how do you fish with a dragnet? In fact, you probably have already been doing it by sorting through the personals of some agency or in sorting through the responses to your listing.
You just stopped too soon.
Fishing with a dragnet means getting to know a number of good "potentials" on a friendship/slightly romantic basis and planning the next step (your trip) with this in view. This is a realistic view of Love. (You should be wary and skeptical of someone that says they are in love with someone that they have never met.)
Instead, you should be saying to your correspondents something like: "this is where I am at" and I won't be "there" (in LOVE) until this and this and this must happen. The first "this" is getting to know in depth each other’s real character and the second "this" is meeting in person and the third "this" is something magical which cannot be explained.
Imagine pulling in a number of these potentials into your net. Examining them as best as you can do over the Internet, in personal writing, over the phone, and then planning your trip. On your initial trip, you can meet several of the most promising correspondents. In addition to getting a good understanding of the cultural context of your potential mate, your main goal is to spend time with them and get to know them as a person well enough to determine whether you should visit them again. If you hit it off and do meet someone that you think, “Wow! She could really be the one for me” then plan to come back with the idea of specifically getting together with that girl and spending more time with her and her family. On this second visit you can spend the entire two weeks or however long your vacation is. After that more trips might be warranted or if you have found the one you can begin the visa process and wedding plans.
Sure, you (or more probably she) could say “well I only want to be exclusive and only want to write to one person and she/he to me the same way from the very beginning.” Well maybe you will get extremely lucky and that woman will turn out to be the one for you. But again, what about the more likely chance that she will not. From the woman’s perspective, many more girls have been disappointed by the men that they eventually met than those who were lucky enough to meet one man and that one man turned out to be their true love. Some of them had written and invested so much into building something. But the man was not what he said or some other thing that was not apparent until they met in person. So this approach is really beneficial for both parties. Think about it. If you were in her shoes and hoping to meet a good man from abroad, wouldn’t you want more than one to consider? Wouldn’t you make a better choice among suitors if you have a choice in the first place? Furthermore, don’t you as a man, want to know and feel that she chose you, not out of convenience or necessity or because your introductory letter was better than 50 others, but actually because you were in her judgement after knowing several men, the best person for her and out of real love for who you are as a person having taken the time to get to know you?
As a responsible man you should candidly inform all of your correspondents that you have adopted this approach and help them to see the practical wisdom of it. You should always be honest and true in your communications. It is important not to lead anyone into thinking that you are ready to get exclusive with them until such time as you really are ready for that next step. Obviously, that next step should not come until you have actually met them in person and seen with your own eyes that they have the qualities and characteristics that you desire.
There is something left to be added. On one hand you don't want to make things appear like a competition and no doubt your correspondents would not want to feel like they have to vie with anyone or for your attention. But on the other hand, let’s admit it, it really is a competition. Life, love, obtaining and finding our partners is almost as competitive as it is in the animal kingdom. We dress nice. We make ourselves attractive. We work out on stair-masters and the weight-bench. We try to make good money and have nice things. And when we are considering our potential partners, we would be liars if we said that we did not make comparisons. We make these judgements all the time–He is too old, too mean, too short. She is too snobby, too dumb, too talkative. He has blonde hair. She has long hair. He has nice biceps. She has a nice stomach. He is smart, she is too. He is kind, so is she–Yes, we are doing it all of the time. You are doing it by looking for someone abroad. Obviously there is something that you value in foreign women. This comparing continues until you settle on your special life partner. So if fishing with a dragnet and maintaining relationships with a number of women seems a little too competitive and a little too picky, keep it in perspective. You are fishing for a life partner not dinner. In determining that “keeper” you are entitled to be as choosey as you want to be.
